itchymoto: (sad boy)
I pretty much spend my whole life being frustrated with my living situation or trying to find things to distract me from it, so that’s cool. lol

And I feel really bad because it’s been nice being able to hang out alone with the BF at his place while his mom and dad are on vacation, but things have been going so horribly for them out there and it just…sucks. They had been in Utah (I think?) visiting some of their family a day or so ago, and then drove all the way to Montana to visit some other family members. And like the day that they arrived there one of the grandkids (the BF’s nephew, I think) that they had JUST been visiting in Utah happened to end up in a bad car accident. So they had to turn around and drive all the way back to see him and all that, and I’m not sure what’s going on with him now, but from what I last heard he hadn’t been doing well at all. :/ It makes me all stressed and anxious to think about it, and I can’t even imagine how they must feel, and I just hope he ends up being okay somehow. What a horrible situation. :(

Talking about all that makes the rest of this seem so trivial, but it just wouldn’t feel like a regular DW entry if I didn’t end it with complaining about art related crap!

But, yeah, been feeling really down about my art again. (So much for being positive about it, lmao. I knew it wouldn’t last.) It sucks because it’s not like I don’t have fun drawing and thinking these things up, but I can’t just DO that without also being my usual self and worrying what everyone else thinks. I pretty much feel REALLY embarrassed and self-conscious over the fact that I keep drawing the same two OCs over and over. Like…I can’t help it though? I’ve just become really attached to them and excited to draw out that next comic (along with also being nervous AF at how people will handle it and if anyone will even like it at all, so, great, lol)…but I worry SO MUCH that people think I’m ridiculous for being so obsessed with them, and also that they’re probably bored with me and wish I would draw something else. (Which I TRY to do as well, I really do. XD)

It feels different than my Luca/Mac obsession (which I still do love, but I’m..distracted by a new “OTP” now) in that at least they’re both my own characters, but…still. :/ It IS embarrassing to have a crush on your own character, isn’t it? The last time this happened was when I first made Romeo, and before that, when I first made Maverick. I didn't think I'd ever end up going through this shame again. XD

And on top of all that I question literally everything and it takes me SO LONG to draw even the simplest of things…I’m constantly doing that crap where I flip the drawing around looking for mistakes and repositioning things and nothing ever looks right. UGH. What about drawing is supposed to be fun again? XD
itchymoto: (:))
So my internet problems continue to piss me off…some days it works for a longer time than others, but it ALWAYS only starts working at night and will stay on until early in the morning, and it’s both frustrating and weird af. (I still think something is wrong with either the modem or the dish to where it overheats or something and can’t work anymore when it’s too hot, but who knows.) But whatever, I’ll just deal with it until I leave, whenever that is!

The BF’s mom and dad just left on vacation for a few weeks, which means he and I can hang out there and I can use theirs while they’re gone. Supposedly their data reset after they paid the bill today? I’m not sure if that’s even true or not, but I guess I’ll see. I mean, the only way I could really see how much data is left is to log in to their online account, and ofc I can’t/won’t do that. :/

It’s pathetic and sad and also makes me feel like a total bitch that I’m glad they left on vacation just so he and I can have a place to hang out alone and be able to cook some food together and stuff. I want our own place so bad so it can be like that every damn day, and I hope we’re able to get back on track with that soon. I’ll talk about it again whenever I have more news there. ;_;

Anyway…other than that art stuff is all I’m ever focused on. XD Right now I’m trying to be less bitter about everything in regards to the usual attention thing. It seems like all the sites I’m on are a little more dead than usual lately, and a lot of people just aren’t around or have gone quiet, so what can you do? And the people who do comment/fav/reblog/etc are SO sweet and supportive and I’ve really been taking that to heart too. Not that I didn’t before, of course!! But lately, IDK why, it’s somehow been easier to focus more on all the nice ppl and their support rather than those who ignore me, and I sure hope this feeling lasts! XDD

And I’m still being indecisive about really making a new tumblr for the NSFW stuff. My main motivation for doing that would be to avoid “upsetting” my followers who seem to be…more sensitive to things, let’s put it that way XD, but then I think like…well, I kinda don’t want people following me anyway if they’d really be the type to pitch a fit over the relatively tame kinda shit that I draw so…maybe I ought to keep doing what I’m doing and hope that they would unfollow me without a fuss if I ever really do post something that offends. :/

Also been working a lot on my TH profiles too, and am happy to say I added the theme music back! (So important! XD) I decided that I like the idea of it too much to leave it out just because I can’t think of themes for all my OCs yet, and that it’s “okay” for some of their profiles to not all be exactly the same.
itchymoto: (Default)
Eh, I haven't really felt like talking about anything in my life, and I never even ended up talking much about my trip, lol. (I had a draft started here, but I just deleted it because it was bitchy and outdated since I started it like at least a week ago. XD)  But the Sabaton concert was really cool (Joakim seemed so happy and it was really cute, I love it XD), and I was so glad to be able to get a new shirt since my other ones had all worn out. And as for was mostly really fun too, but I just wish it had been more...productive as far as trying to fucking move over there goes.

I don't want to get into it because he already knows how I feel and it should probably just be between us, but....I'll just say that I expected my BF to have been more organized about all this like he made me feel like he was, and that he had actual, like, plans...instead of us just going there and dicking around most of the time like it's a regular vacation. (Not that I didn't totally go all in and enjoy way too many of those free casino drinks, pfft. XD)

On the Sunday we were there though we did spend pretty much all day looking at a bunch of houses (just driving by, not actually getting to go inside though) to see what the neighborhoods looked like and what the houses in our price range looked like, which I guess was something we kind of did need to do before we make appointments to look inside them. At least that's how I feel about it anyway...I would feel weird about it if we set up an appointment to check out a house and then regretted making everyone go through all the trouble when I didn't like how it looked on the outside. XD IDK, I've never done any of this shit before, neither of us have, and I don't know if we're going about it all wrong or if other people are usually more organized than this. Moving to a different state is especially hard since it involves so much driving back and forth, and I feel pressured to get things done and make decisions faster than if we were just moving to a place nearby...which stresses me out since they're BIG decisions. :/

But, anyway...most of the houses looked really, I was surprised they were ones we would be able to afford! Though I guess I'm just used to living in California where all the houses are too expensive and cost like three times as much. And, as weird as it sounds, some of the neighborhoods felt so familiar, even though we had never been there, they just look really similar to a lot of places around here, and we both really liked that. :D So we pretty much have a plan now of which specific parts of the Vegas area we like and are getting things set up to check things out for real in a couple weeks or so. As in, going inside them and trying to pick something out. (So, yeah, I'm gonna be leaving for another weekend again eventually!)

I feel weird talking about this kind of stuff because I can't remember what I've even already talked about, so I don't know if this all sounds like it's coming out of the blue like "oh, hey, btw, we're moving!" and there's also still a lot of things we have to plan anyway, so I mostly would rather talk more when things are more set in stone. :x

And now on to me bitching about art stuff. XD

I know I already talked about this...but I'm still worried af about the next big comic I have coming up, even though I'm also excited about working on it. :/ I just...since it takes place during the Vietnam War (and anything to do with war is some dark/sensitive subject matter) I cannot help but be terrified that I'm going to inadvertently offend someone with it. I know there are TONS of movies/shows/books/etc that take place during war times, and I also think tumblr got me fucked up thinking that everyone in the world is super sensitive and it's probably not as bad as I think, but still...:/ I will say that the way I'm doing the comic it's definitely MUCH more about the characters in them than what's going on around them, but of course that stuff will come into play, too.

And aside from worrying about all that, I'm also worried that people aren't going to like it or even want to read it, and considering how much work I'm gonna be putting into it it's going to break my heart only getting 2-3 notes on the pages. :( Like I told my BF, Rebel Rebel is the only comic a "decent" amount of people ever read, and Yoshi is the only OC of mine that a decent amount of people have told me they liked, and I feel like a failure as both an OC creator and a story teller since it's so hard ever getting people interested in anything else I do. :/

And I know, and he tells me all the time, that I shouldn't worry so much about what other people think and just enjoy drawing...and I always do up until the moment I post it and start stressing over whether people will like it or not. :x 

IDK...whether people like them or not I will always love my OCs and love drawing them, and I know there are always gonna be a few people who are interested in seeing what I've drawn too, (and bless them all for that!! ❤️) so nothing's going to stop me from doing what I want to do. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I can stop myself from feeling embarrassed and disappointed when I don't get much attention either, though. :/

I still want to get some other things done and work some stuff out before I even start on this comic, and of course, I need to put out another page of Rebel Rebel soon, too. XD
itchymoto: (Default)
I can't believe it's almost time for our trip already! (Thursday!) I'm still feeling kinda nervous about how everything is going to go down, but it should all be a lot of fun, too. (And as always I'm a little worried I'm forgetting to do something, but, well...hopefully not. XD)

And omg, Sabaton! It will be weird seeing them without Thobbe in the group anymore, (he just HAD to quit so I can never see my OTP onstage together anymore *cries*) but still super excited to see them ofc. Looking at their setlist from other shows they've done so far this tour it seems they're playing a ton of songs from the newest album, which is totally cool with me (and what I expected anyway XD), though I was surprised when the BF mentioned they're not doing "Metal Crüe" anymore. They always used to!! :O

AND I feel ridiculous for not mentioning this sooner, but with what happened last time I made a post I didn't get around to talking about it 😔, sister had her baby and was able to take her home right away and everything, so I was glad to hear everything went so well with that! I haven't seen her yet, though. (IDK, we don't really see each other that often in general even though we don't live far away from each other. *shrug emoticon*)

Other than that I've been doing a lot of thinking about OCs and stuff and wanting to work more on their profiles again. There's a lot of little things I can think of that I'd like to add but, like...I don't really know how to categorize it (if that makes any sense), and I probably wouldn't want to go into as much detail with ALL of my OCs, either. (I guess it should be expected that more minor characters would have shorter bios, but at the same time I always feel compelled to make every one of them have all the same amount of info. Ugh.) And I never want to copy other people's profiles either, but sometimes I'll see ones other people made and be like "aw, man, I want to add that kind of info to my character, too!!"

But with all of this stuff going on in my head I just wish I could like...focus better. I'll find myself sitting around all night getting nothing done even though there's so many different drawings I'm working on and want to start on, and things I need/want to write down or look into too. Well, if there's one good thing in all this it's that I at least have no shortage of ideas right now, and if I get bored with one thing I can go back to working on a different one for awhile. XD
itchymoto: (eggman)
((In light of the horrible shit that happened, which I mentioned on tumblr, I feel awful talking about the good things that are going to happen now, but I think I’m still just going to continue typing and finish what I was going to say and post it as is. I don’t know what else to do.))

Next week is gonna be so busy and I'm so excited and nervous at the same time!

Firstly, on Thursday we're going to a Sabaton concert in Anaheim!! (Same place we've been to a few times before too, so we should have no trouble with getting there and finding it! I like that! :D) This will be like...the 6th time we've seen them now. Haha! XD

And after that we’re off to Vegas for the weekend! :DD Since we’re trying to move we’re going there to check some houses out and such…the BF says he wants to surprise me with some things so he hasn’t told me much yet, but I’m so curious to see what he’s got planned! AND, well…by the end of this month we will have been together for eight years, so of course we’re gonna do some fun stuff while we’re there, too! XD

The concert part was actually really convenient because we had known about it for awhile but forgot when the date was, and when we saw that it was the day before we were going out for the weekend we just decided we’d go and stay in a hotel in the area afterward, and then drive on to Vegas in the morning. At first I really thought we wouldn’t even be able to go and I even kept asking him “are you SURE you want to do both?” (not because I didn’t want to, ‘cause I sure af do XD, I just didn’t want it to be harder on him) but everything works out really well and isn’t as complicated as I thought.

The hotels in Anaheim are stupidly expensive though (because of damn Disneyland, I’m sure), but I guess we just gotta deal with that. :/ At first we considered booking the Vegas hotel for Thursday night too and then just driving there after the concert…but then we’d end up arriving at like 3 or 4 am, and I’m not sure how that would work out with checking in and stuff and if they’d cancel our reservation or some shit if we got there after midnight. IDK…probably not, but I think it’s just easier not to worry about any of it and drive there Friday morning instead.

We’re staying in the Excalibur again, which we’ve done a few times now. We like it there since it’s way cheaper than most places. XD (We even got the Sunday night stay for free, which is really cool…but Vegas always tacks on huge taxes and “”resort fees”” to their hotels that jack up the price in the end. Like…one day it’ll be $30 a night…but then the price doubles because of the stupid fees!! It’s still not very expensive for staying on a weekend, though!)

So all this is looking good and I hope all goes well!

And ugh…You know what, I can’t even remember what else I was going to say, honestly. I need a fucking drink.
itchymoto: (sad boy)
I don't know anymore. :/ Sometimes I feel like it'd be best for me to just quit posting art online for awhile. This weekend I so badly felt like deleting my tumblr since that site upsets me worse than any other I've ever been on, and for a bunch of different reasons. (And I gotta admit, I feel kind of embarrassed that someone unfollowed me after posting that last porn pic I put up. It's pretty much like "yeah, told you it was gross and you shoulda kept it to your nasty self." lol)

I'm so goddamn sick of feeling stressed out and depressed over both being so desperate for attention, yet at the same time terrified of getting negative attention. That site ruins everything. I know not everyone in the world is as sensitive as some of the people there, but fuck...with almost everything I draw that isn't just a plain, basic portrait or something I'll sit there and be like "okay, is there any possible way this could be seen as rude or offensive to anyone?" And tbh, it's not even because I'm really worried about offending anyone, it's more just me wanting to avoid being dragged into some bullshit drama over my stupid art. And I know it's unlikely that it would ever happen, and not many people even notice or care about me anyway, but it still scares me.

At some point I really want to work more on my comics taking place in the 60s & 70s, which would involve me showing what my boy Gabriel got up to in the Vietnam War and such...aaaand I worry about how people would react to something like that, too. :/ Like, there's no "tasteful" way to portray something like war, and I don't want to be all over the top with making it be fucked up and violent and all that, though obviously there's going to be some death and violence in it. Of course, before I even start drawing it I plan on doing more research on the subject and writing the story out for myself and everything, but if/when I ever post it I know I'm going to be nervous as HELL about what people are going to think of it.

Maybe it's not necessarily such a good thing, but part of me wishes I could go back to how I was when I was younger and just post any damn thing without having a heart attack over it first. jfc

....And editing to add (since I realize it's better to talk about these things here than on tumblr XD), when I think about my worries about IRL stuff all of this art-related shit seems so trivial in comparison, and I always feel like an absolute ass when I re-read it the next day. (I was gonna delete this and "pretend" it never happened like I do so often, but it's probably a shitty thing for me to always do stuff like that, too.)

I wish I was just happy in life so that I didn't have to rely so much on the internet to distract me from everything. It makes every damn tiny little thing make me feel so bad when anything negative happens or I don't get "enough" attention, and I'm hoping things are really gonna change soon, and then maybe (hopefully) I'll start to change my attitude, too. :/


Apr. 21st, 2017 02:22 am
itchymoto: (OTP)
Well, here we go. My Luca/'Cready fic. D: (The first one anyway.) I'm sooo nervous to post this. 😰

8,136 words
NC-17 rating for (awkward) sex scenes

Yeah, so...I really have a lot of problems with this and I hate it more every time I read it. XD Aside from the writing just not feeling like it's good the pacing also feels off in a few places (like it moves along too fast or some of the scenes are too short), and don't even get me started on how bad I think the porn part is. :x The duffle bag Luca carries around is supposed to represent their inventory, instead of them just being able to pull items out of thin air like in the game, and since the drive-in they go to is an actual location in the game and not something I made up I ended up not really describing it very well, either. :/

((If anyone should happen to read this please do not feel obligated to comment on it! Especially if you think it totally sucks, haha! XD))Here we go... )
itchymoto: (bitch mode)
After going so long without writing up a journal entry it feels weird to try and do one again, and I gotta say…I do feel less like wanting to talk about my life than I did back then since things feel so much crappier nowadays. XD

Like…I don’t want to go into too much detail about this place because it’s just embarrassing and frustrating to talk about, and I’m pretty ashamed of how I live. lolRead more... )

My internet keeps going out a lot lately and has also been going pretty slow, so there’s that too. :/ Last night it was out and didn’t come back for like 10 hours. 😖 This internet company is complete shit and I see nothing but people having similar complaints about all this, and how all our data so quickly and mysteriously runs out even when it’s not being used, and I’m also looking forward to the day I can cancel this shit, too.

LOL, well now that ALLLL of that bitching is out of the way (jfc, sorry about all that XD)…IDK, sometimes I feel like putting some of my writing online (and this would be a good place to put it!) but I’m embarrassed about that too since 1.) I’m gross and a lot of it is dirty, 2.) it’s just a bunch of Luca/Mac stuff anyway XD, and 3.) I’m REALLY not confident in my writing skill at ALL and I think it’s terrible. 👎 So far the BF is the only one who reads any of it, and he tries to tell me that it’s not bad, but well…I know he doesn’t read very much (nor do I) so it’s not like there’s much to compare it to, so his standards aren’t very high. XD I guess I’ll just have to think about it. :/


itchymoto: (Default)
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