itchymoto: (sad boy)
[personal profile] itchymoto
I don't know anymore. :/ Sometimes I feel like it'd be best for me to just quit posting art online for awhile. This weekend I so badly felt like deleting my tumblr since that site upsets me worse than any other I've ever been on, and for a bunch of different reasons. (And I gotta admit, I feel kind of embarrassed that someone unfollowed me after posting that last porn pic I put up. It's pretty much like "yeah, told you it was gross and you shoulda kept it to your nasty self." lol)

I'm so goddamn sick of feeling stressed out and depressed over both being so desperate for attention, yet at the same time terrified of getting negative attention. That site ruins everything. I know not everyone in the world is as sensitive as some of the people there, but fuck...with almost everything I draw that isn't just a plain, basic portrait or something I'll sit there and be like "okay, is there any possible way this could be seen as rude or offensive to anyone?" And tbh, it's not even because I'm really worried about offending anyone, it's more just me wanting to avoid being dragged into some bullshit drama over my stupid art. And I know it's unlikely that it would ever happen, and not many people even notice or care about me anyway, but it still scares me.

At some point I really want to work more on my comics taking place in the 60s & 70s, which would involve me showing what my boy Gabriel got up to in the Vietnam War and such...aaaand I worry about how people would react to something like that, too. :/ Like, there's no "tasteful" way to portray something like war, and I don't want to be all over the top with making it be fucked up and violent and all that, though obviously there's going to be some death and violence in it. Of course, before I even start drawing it I plan on doing more research on the subject and writing the story out for myself and everything, but if/when I ever post it I know I'm going to be nervous as HELL about what people are going to think of it.

Maybe it's not necessarily such a good thing, but part of me wishes I could go back to how I was when I was younger and just post any damn thing without having a heart attack over it first. jfc

....And editing to add (since I realize it's better to talk about these things here than on tumblr XD), when I think about my worries about IRL stuff all of this art-related shit seems so trivial in comparison, and I always feel like an absolute ass when I re-read it the next day. (I was gonna delete this and "pretend" it never happened like I do so often, but it's probably a shitty thing for me to always do stuff like that, too.)

I wish I was just happy in life so that I didn't have to rely so much on the internet to distract me from everything. It makes every damn tiny little thing make me feel so bad when anything negative happens or I don't get "enough" attention, and I'm hoping things are really gonna change soon, and then maybe (hopefully) I'll start to change my attitude, too. :/


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